Welcome

Welcome to my space for BDSM stuff. My eventual goal is to post lots of things here, but it's starting out as a place to just gather my scene reports into an easy-to-use place. Over time it's slowly building to include musings, ideas, and information. Working on eventually posting my toy collection, too. And I copy messages from other places I post things in a "microblog" format in "Quick Thoughts."

About Me

I am a mostly straight cis polyamorous submissive woman (she/her) living in Northern Nevada. I'm 41 years old at the time of this writing, and probably won't remember to update this every year so just assume that I'm in my 40's in general. I'm living (finally!) with my two life partners: my vanilla husband, Sam, and my owner, Tim; along with my meta who is Tim's other submissive (who remains unnamed because I haven't asked her permission to use her name here or in other online spaces), and Tim's kid every other week. I do switch sometimes (never with my owner), but I identify as a submissive that switches, not as a switch. I am most satisfied in a submissive role, and never consider any of what I do switching to be "dominating" but "topping" instead.

D/s is very much a lifestyle for me. I don't roleplay; I don't like playing pretend. This is all extremely real for me. I live this. I'm happy in my role and (within negotiated limits) give Tim anything he wants and let him do whatever he wants to me. Tim describes me as a very "good girl" submissive. I just want to obey. Bratting stresses me out too much. Not that I won't brat occasionally but I have to be in a particular mood for it and it's kind of rare for me. To the surprise of my friends who know how much of a smart-ass I can be.

I'm smart and, for the most part, don't have patience for a partner who can't keep up with me. As such, I'm attracted to very smart men. And nerdy. Nerdy is a must.

History

I've been into BDSM since I was 15, which tells you how long I've been doing this. I discovered the idea when an online boyfriend suggested tying me up and of course my first reaction was NO WAY... and then I thought about it for a few days and was like... you know... maybe. And the flood gates opened as I researched and found what I believe was every findable piece of information on BDSM on the internet at the time. The internet was a very different place back then - this was pre-google. I used everything from search engines to webrings to find anything that had a link to it somewhere.

I was definitely one of those kids in adult spaces, pretending to be 18. I mostly did okay, although I did get banned from one chat space for saying the "DM" words in public (it's like saying the "quiet" words out loud). But you know what, I didn't screw up and let my real age slip like I see kids doing nowadays. I fucking knew what my birthdate was supposed to be to be the age I said I was. I don't necessarily condone this behavior, but I understand it because I was there. I also get how important it is to keep the kids out lest a space be shut down, so I now have to be one of those people enforcing that; trying to catch kids doing what I did.

I also was desperate to play. The age of consent in Nevada is 16, IIRC. So I could legally do things with whoever I pleased a lot earlier than most. I got older guys (like 20-22 when I was 16, I always had an age limit, although it moved around as I got older) to come meet me and do kinky but relatively harmless things to me... spanking and bondage, mostly. Penetrative sex was off the table, although when I finally did try it when I was like 18 I found it lackluster and frequently painful. That wasn't a virgin thing, either. It's still lackluster and still can be painful to this day. So most of my sessions don't actually have penetrative sex, although it's not off the table. I've thought a lot about it and I'm pretty sure I qualify as gray-ace since I'm just not that into sex to begin with, and never really have been. Someone once described sex as the frosting on the cake and I was like... but I don't like frosting all that much.

I will say, though, it's pretty hot to have penetrative sex "on the table" (euphemistically, not literally) with my owner, so he can take me however he wants me, knowing it's not really something I necessarily enjoy. I have a suffering kink, so I love being made to do things that I don't necessarily enjoy as long as he enjoys putting me through that. It's been something he's been doing more and more often as he learns my body and what he can do without making me completely miserable. So I guess most of my sessions lately do tend to have penatrative sex now, anal or vaginal, just because he wants to and he can.

I've only had a few dominants over the many years, although I've played a ton with a lot of different people. I have definitely felt the effects of that dominant shortage I keep hearing about. Mostly I had guys that could be better described as "tops," or switches, or inexperienced newbies that I had to teach everything, which is largely where I learned to switch. Switching at least "scratched the itch" for me, although it was never fully satisfying.

I have a good mix of online and offline experience. I mostly did online D/s when I was a teenager, breaking into the real life play as soon as I possibly could. I spent a lot of time having phone "sessions" which was mostly some dominant I was crushing on telling me all the things he could do to me while I vocally reacted, enjoying the "lightning" chemical feeling coursing through me from thinking about such things. It feels so lame looking back on that, but it was those sessions that trained me how to react vocally in a way that Tim finds so appealing. As soon as I could find anyone in the area that even partially matched my interests though I was trying stuff IRL.

Current Dynamic

Tim's and my dynamic is 24/7 and we consider it TPE-ish. He is my owner and I am his (human) pet. He takes care of me. <3

I'm in my longest and most satisfying D/s relationship I've ever been in, as a submissive to Tim. Tim is roughly 2 years older than me, and lands very strongly on the "D" side of the slash, with zero interest in switching whatsoever. This works quite well for me because once I've submitted to someone, I absolutely will not switch with them, even if they want me to. Something about it feels very wrong to me, and I can't bring myself to do it.

Tim is the most calm and patient man I've ever met, whereas I'm a little high-strung and so very impatient. He can take months or years to try things, waiting until he's sure that I'll be comfortable with it, or just until the whim hits him, while I just want to do and try all the things now dammit. When we met, and during our initial dating, all I could see were green flags. And they were accurate since over time he has completely earned my trust.

Our journey together has been extremely fulfilling. Over time, I kept increasing what was okay for him to do until finally all but the most serious boundaries fell away. He never asked that I give him anything; he seemed entirely happy with whatever I was voluntarily giving him. Over time, I just kept giving him more and more of myself... more control over me and aspects of my life. And he always seemed so grateful and happy to take every piece of me that I offered.

My soft and medium limits are no longer limits with him, only my hardest limits remain. After being together two and a half years, I voluntarily, with no prompting from him whatsoever, gave him my ability to refuse something. I can say "no, stop" and he gets to decide if he's going to. I still can (and must) communicate when something's wrong, and he will respect that, but otherwise, whether we stop or not is no longer my choice. I gave him that at the same time I dropped the soft and medium limits, which was a scary combination. But also hot. Things that I would never have done before with anyone else are available to him. Because I completely trust him to only push me as hard as I can handle, and bend but never break me.

On the reverse, I've proven that I can reliably communicate with him. He knows that if something is wrong, I will tell him. And after sessions I'm regularly telling him what I liked and didn't like, and what worked and didn't, and why. My job as the submissive is to communicate. Thankfully, as you can probably tell, I do like to communicate. I also don't have that new submissive problem of worrying about ending a scene and disappointing my dominant by doing so. I already understand that he would be upset with me if I didn't tell him something was wrong. So I'll push myself, but if I feel anything wrong, I'm telling him immediately. Although if it's just something annoying like hair in my mouth or a cuff rubbing the wrong way, I'll usually wait for a natural breaking point to get that handled.