2004-02-26 - "Do you want me to stop?" Scene report + extra with Todd

Posted on February 26, 2004
Word Count: 2352

Note from 2024

The most interesting part of this was how different of a person I can see I was then versus now. Just learning to embrace the masochist within… baby masochist. Nervous. Excited. Kind of all over the place. And I had no fucking idea what I was doing.

I’m especially amused at the idea that hearing him call himself “Master Todd” was a turn on, or that I used “sir” unprompted, considering now-a-days I am fairly anti-honorific. I vaguely remember being interested in the whole “master” thing but it just kind of fell away as I got older and more experienced, and just seems silly to me now.

Todd was older than me, and was the first actual dominant I had any sort of dynamic with IRL. And he held a special place in my heart because no one ever came close to my experience with Todd, at least, until Tim (who is worlds better, I must say). All the play with other guys, all the distance I’ve come as a submissive since then, I would still pine for this time when this one dominant made my head spin.

As much as we were shit at negotiating, and he was basically cheating on his girlfriend, and the relationship was relatively short-lived, and he was like 8-10 years older than me but still feels so inexperienced looking back with my 40-year-old colored lens… as much as all that, he was still the first person to really hurt me and get me to submit in any meaningful or fulfilling way. An important step on my BDSM journey, overall.

Well. I’ll let you get to it I guess. Don’t judge me too harshly for the awful writings of my youth…

“Do you want me to stop?”

This question made all major and minor thought process stop completely. Every ounce of my brain focused on this one question.

Todd’s house for the first time. I still haven’t been brave enough to ask about his toy collection. I started out sitting on the couch, which he soon after stuck his cold feet up on my legs. Now I generally wouldn’t have minded this, except I wanted to get a lot closer than that. I’m still too damn unsure of myself to really go for what I want right away, though I have improved slowly. It’s hard to build comfort and trust when we see each other only about once a week. Eventually, with him up and around, I was able to change my sitting position to make it almost impossible for him to use me as a footrest again. Really, my feet were fucking freezing, so I began to sit on them. Something I commonly do at home anyway since my mother won’t ever turn the heat up past 65.

I was able to cuddle up to him now, being a little more comfortable with the environment. City Slickers on comedy central. I love that movie. He began very lightly playing with my right nipple. This very quickly turned me on and had me reeling. The lightest touches were making me all tingly inside, just because it was him touching me. He very slowly worked me up just by doing this.

Then he started getting rougher. I’d never really considered myself much of a masochist before Todd, and I’m still not terribly sure. I really don’t enjoy pain in general, and while every ounce of me is screaming PLEASE NO MORE, I never say it, and I accept it, and I continue to get more and more turned on, in spite of something my brain goes fuzzy about. Well, maybe not fuzzy. Maybe more like static is a better word. Static. Like Jer’s little icon he had “Experiencing technical difficulties.” Yah that’s what my brain does.

I remembered the first time he made my brain stop… I was drowning. I don’t know what I was drowning in, but I was definitely drowning. It was a brand new experience for me. I’ve been “tortured” before, but never to any extent that might leave any residual pain for more than an hour or so after. That was different. His words … maybe that’s what I was drowning in. He kept talking and I was lost. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from it because of that. I remember biting his jacket because it was there and I had to bite something. I remember him talking softly to me. I remember something new to me, a craving. A craving began at that point. For what? I’m not 100% sure. Maybe just to keep that moment forever. A drug. Praise? Maybe I just want him to tell me how good I am. Maybe. I don’t know. I have to say though he is good. He makes my head go fuzzy and my body …. Well my body’s something different I guess. I have to say he doesn’t seem to give much “exquisite pain,” what he gives is more like “OMFG WHY!?” pain. But it works. That’s why. It totally fucking works. (BTW, my personal definition of “exquisite pain” is pain that doesn’t hurt.. I know it’s pain but the sensation in my crotch totally cancels out any real pain. Aka: Nipple clamps (not too tight!) or pinching the outer lips… Exquisite pain is something I found while masturbating one night and trying out my new clamps. I put them on and the words OMG floated through my head as I began masturbating… I described it as ‘exquisite.’ Just a side note, I guess… )

Why this works for me is anyone’s guess. I began to start thinking ‘eh, what the hell, maybe I am a masochist.’ Then I thought “what to you mean ‘maybe?!’”

The first time… He pinched me hard and started counting backwards. Then let go. While I’m not entirely sure of what exactly what I was doing at the time (possibly breathing hard, or not breathing at all), I do remember that that one thing REALLY did a number on me. He repeated the process a few times, and talked to me in between. That was something I hope he repeats again, but hasn’t yet.

The second time… (I do believe) The bathroom of my house. He began with a backrub, and messed with my head a little bit.
“Put your hands on the sink.” I swear time must’ve slowed down for a bit there because of how many thoughts ran through my head in that one moment. I knew. I knew exactly what was happening and I didn’t even hesitate. I don’t even remember all of what I was thinking, I just remember having this total awareness of what was to come. No surprises. Actually that’s not true, there was a surprise.. I suppose. I wanted him to stop. He kept hitting high in the exact same places. The pain was almost too much for me (almost??). I was having a hard time of it and when he gave me the opportunity to ‘opt out’ I did. Thinking on it later I should have just asked him to hit lower instead of to stop. But as I said, my brain gets all fuzzy.

Third time. This wasn’t terribly important because the night was just mostly a blowjob. Nothing big… Except… When talking in the car, his words begin to spin a web around me.. verbal bondage, heh. They really do though. I was all like…. “hot and bothered’ listening to him, and then he said something key. While I honestly don’t remember anything else he said (at all >.<), he did say one thing. Once. He referred to himself as “Master Todd.” OMG I get wet just thinking of that. I spent all of the next day thinking about that and getting turned on every time. The one and only reason I haven’t told him that that turns me on so much is because I have a worry that it might get over-used. Magic loses potency with time and use.

Fourth. Hand job. No big deal. But uh, I don’t get turned on by giving anyone a hand job… No exceptions. NO, I don’t get turned on by looking at it. The thought of touching it DOESN’T excite me. It’s a dick. I don’t care. While there is the fascination over it, there isn’t any sexual joy coming from looking at it or touching it. I will watch a guy masturbate in front of me with interest just because I tend to get mesmerized by the movement, not because I get turned on by it. I don’t crave touching it or any of that bs. I do enjoy giving blowjobs because I enjoy hearing moans. I enjoy giving pleasure. I don’t often get wet over it though. I really don’t. It’s just fun.

Fifth. Back to today.
He was actually slapping my breasts. I’ve had that happen once or twice, but never so hard and never in such succession. It seriously was once or twice. The pain was… intense (would you prefer the word ‘painful?’ ˆ_ˆ) I noticed the pavlovian response, as well, and I think he noticed it too. It’s nothing I can avoid, really. When the hand leaves, it’s often getting ready to strike. One time it wasn’t. He pulled back and waited for my conditioned response. I think I gave it.. and kept giving it.. and when my breathing began to slow a little bit he hit. Damn doms and their mind tricks! I knew it was coming, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. But it still… ya know it’s hard NOT to give a reaction to that much pain, so yah.

He messed with me for a while and then asked “Do you want me to stop?”
While I’m sure it seemed like my normal hesitation, I assure you (who are you anyway XP) that it wasn’t. Normally when asked a question I try and formulate a good answer and then decide if I even want to give it or not. It may not be good enough. It may ruin the mood. It may sound really stupid. It may get me in more trouble than I bargained for… Stuff like that. I tend to avoid answering questions when I can get away with it. And so far I haven’t really been able to get away with it anyway.
But what really happened was that my brain suddenly had a question it didn’t know what to do with. No, I didn’t want him to hurt me cuz hurting ya know… hurts. But, it wasn’t THAT bad, was it? I was turned on and I don’t know what else I was thinking at that point.
I think he grabbed me or something and did the ‘I asked you a question’ thing. Really I wasn’t trying to get out of the question; it was just a tough question.
I managed it. I don’t know how, but I said it. “No, Sir.”

That was it. No more questions.

I don’t remember a whole lot after that. Just a few random things. He slapped my face a few times. That was new. I knew he would do it eventually, and he didn’t over-do it. Overdoing it, meaning something hard enough to leave marks. It was hard enough to REALLY STING, but it wasn’t something that concerned me the way I had thought it would years ago. In fact, I liked it a little bit. ˆ_ˆ I also remember … what do I remember??
Oh I think it was that he told me outright that he was going to hit my breast one last time and it was going to REALLY HURT. Now, at this point, I understand the psychology behind that sort of statement. Anticipation and shit. At the time it just made me squirm, very possibly closer into him because that was the only direction to go at the time because all pain was coming from the other direction.

When he was done I remember thinking “that’s it?” because while no, I didn’t want to be slapped anymore, my breast was now super sensitive and every little touch felt really nice. I wanted more.
Just some fondling would have been nice ˆ_ˆ.

Second bj. I gagged on it >.<;; I am new to that, ok?! Gawd.. I was embarrassed, but what can ya do.. I told him before I had a delicate gag reflex. There were two things in effect making me gag. One, taste and sensation. My mind doesn’t like the idea of a large amount of someone else’s bodily fluids in my mouth. The taste reinforces that. I tend to gag just at that. Two, something being there that wasn’t there before. I’ve gagged holding a pen in my teeth before. That is all I need to say about that.
I think I had better results in the car. I was, both times, trying something I’d read before. Try and keep it as far back in the mouth as possible so that you don’t really have to taste much of it. Unfortunately this just made it easier this time for it to force its way into my throat and make me gag >.<

…and soreness afterwards.
He treats my body more harshly than I’m used to. I’ve never been sore the next day let alone 3 days later. But
<_<
>_>

I like it, still.
Keeps me thinking about him
Keeps me thinking about what he did to me
Keeps me mind in the gutter
Keeps me turned on ˆ_ˆ