Quick Thoughts
Small thoughts and messages not worthy of their own pages but still something I feel like putting out there. Largely curated and possibly lightly edited from my posts and discussions in the WFM server.
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In response to someone bitching about the community not being what they want and “threatening” to leave.
I get the impression you came to BDSM expecting a world of perfect communication and consent and found, instead, a bunch of messed up people just trying to get off.
The problem here is that the community – any community – is going to be filled with people. People are flawed and, in general, out for themselves. Any and every community is going to have pools of gatekeepers and bad actors.
I say that not only as a kinkster of 26 years, but someone who’s run an anime and gaming convention for 15 years and is part of the nerd communities as well. Any and every community has these problems because we’re all just people. And people vary a lot in attitude, experience, drive, etc.
You don’t want it to be like the vanilla world? Welp, you’re still dealing with just people, either way. It’s not BDSM vs vanilla, here. It’s just a preference and we’re still all people. Vanilla is valid and doesn’t make you a good or bad person as much as BDSM is valid and doesn’t make you a good or bad person. And also doesn’t make you a good or bad communicator as much as communication skills are key for BDSM.
You don’t like how people ignore the history? Welp… Some of us like learning the history but most people just jump in and move forward, bumbling along. Not everyone takes the time to educate themselves. And that’s just how it’s going to be.
You don’t need to know the history to be part of the community how it is now. You don’t need to know the history to be a good dominant/submissive/switch. You just need to educate yourself on safety and communicate very well, ready and willing to learn as you go.
One of the first things I tell new people is to not only learn yourself but learn how to look for red flags and toxic situations. You see a toxic community? Leave it. There are absolutely toxic BDSM spaces… and a lot of them. You hunt down the good ones and stay there.
There is going to be an overabundance of toxic BDSM spaces because it involves sex and power, and awful people are going to gravitate towards that. But that doesn’t mean decent people aren’t out here.
I’m sorry you’re having trouble with the community. Community is opt-in. You don’t have to be here. You can just do BDSM by yourself or with a partner. I was out of the community for a decade while I did other things.
Do what you feel you need to, but you may also want to take a step back and think about what you’re actually looking for and maybe learn to accept that all these spaces are made up of people and so each space you find could be filled with good and bad. We’re all different, diverse, and flawed, and so are the spaces we occupy.
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