First (Known) Sub Drop?

Posted on June 12, 2024
Word Count: 1487

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I don’t normally get sub drop. My aftercare needs are generally pretty minimal —

• Orgasm if it wasn’t part of the scene.
• Cuddles (at least for in-person stuff).
• Maybe a nap if I’m completely worn out.
• And within the next hour to few days, debriefing or just talking through anything relevant that I noticed or felt during the scene for future information (my blog posts do serve this purpose when I write them). That serves two purposes, one for communicating necessary things to Tim, and the other to just process new or interesting things. My brain tends to mull stuff over for a bit and it’s helpful to write or talk through it. But it’s rare that I bother doing it right away, it’s usually over the next few days.

I don’t do emotionally intense scenes that require bringing me back up, or down, or wherever. Sometimes they’re physically intense, though. I mostly just need to rest and let the endorphins die down.

So when a simple remote mini-scene left me feeling unsatisfied and disconnected I really wasn’t sure what was going on. The concern really coalesced sometime this morning, which was a full day and a half after the scene itself, lending to my confusion.

But looking at it, yeah, it was relatively mild from what I hear other subs describe it as, but that was absolutely sub drop.

—

So, backtracking…
It was a simple thing. Tim gave me a task to do that included plugging myself for him. I live with my husband, and while he’s completely okay with Tim and knowing that we do things, he’s a little uncomfortable with the intimacy of our dynamic so I try to downplay or at least not flaunt things I’m doing with or for Tim as part of the dynamic. So I needed to figure out how to get some time by myself without tipping him off that I was doing anything suspicious.

• Figuring out a way of typing the task in the bathroom
• Finding a reasonable time to disappear for about a half hour
• Gathering the supplies (plug, lube) from where they normally hide
• Several clarifying questions about what he actually wanted to ensure I was doing it right (although I knew that no matter what I did as long as it was a good faith effort then it would be right, I was giving him more opportunity to clarify the task or make it more interesting, and also as a form of communicating while I completed his task)
• Get logged into WFM on the Surface tablet I was using, which included having to log into LastPass first because I don’t use memorizable passwords on sites
• Actually inserting the plug, which is squishy and kind of hard to insert because of how squishy it is
• Type the task, which was kind of tricky and annoying because I was sitting on the toilet seat lid and was twisting by body to my right to use the counter as a place to hold the tablet so I could use the keyboard
• Close up the tablet
• Masturbate
• Unplug
• Clean plug
• Put all the supplies away, including leaving the tablet next to the bed because in the bathroom was a bit too suspicious.

All in all I was absent from the living room for about 25 minutes. Which is slightly long to disappear into a bathroom for but not suspiciously so.

So yeah. When I told Tim it was “a lot” it wasn’t because the task itself (typing a short task while plugged) was a lot, but aaaaaaalllll the other things that go along with it was a lot.

The real problem was that I was communicating with him and getting little back from him. When I was done, and had masturbated, and told him, I got “Good” in response. That was the only acknowledgement I received. It read like… well it’s good that I’m done. Nothing saying that I had done well, or that he liked me doing the task, or anything.

Something felt off in the moment but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I formed fleeting thoughts, nothing too solid, but partial concepts — praise? “good girl?” nothing?? — nothing really solid but those were kind of in the back floating around somewhere. I wasn’t able to pull them out into a solid concept but looking back I know they were there, floating around in the back of my mind.

I didn’t think too much about it, although I did over-share what had been going on with me for the task during some debrief. But what I got back was solutions for next time, not anything related to that evening itself.

And apparently that doesn’t work for me. Good to know.

So all that happened Monday evening around 6:30-7pm or so.

Today, Wednesday, at about 8:30am the unease started forming into real thoughts. I knew in my head that I’d done what he wanted and that he was happy with it, but I never was told that. And it was eating at me. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I was starting to get anxious about things. I was able to put words to it, explaining that I was feeling disconnected and I hadn’t received a lot of feedback from him. As I was typing I could feel the tears coming to my eyes, which told me rather clearly that I was upset.

We talked about what I felt I needed and how to handle it going forward. Which, is largely just ensuring he has time to talk to me after.

It still didn’t sit right.

Later on lunch I brought it up again, during our walk at a local air conditioned track (it’s too fucking hot to walk outside right now). I had had another thought to share, and we talked about it a little more, and I attempted to indicate that I was still upset, but in a roundabout way. That I felt like it was unfinished. He didn’t realize I was talking in present tense until I just flat out said that I still felt that way and as I said it I felt the tears trying to escape again. He did not offer much for me at the time but he at least acknowledged that he understood.

While we walked I attempted to form words. What would I say to get what I needed. I needed closure on the scene. Talking. Something. Every once in a while my brain would land on the word “praise” and I’d just kind of disregard it, like that’s a stupid thing to be asking for. (Boy, was I wrong on that.)

After we were done walking and back in privacy, and with about 4 minutes left on lunch, I still didn’t have solid words. The best I’d come up with was that the scene wasn’t finished and I needed him to finish it. Which was confusing for him but I had nothing better and I just kind of cuddled up hard against him and squeezed myself against him tightly. He attempted a few questions to clarify but I had no words. I attempted words. I muddled them around in my head for a while but couldn’t actually bring enough of them together to get across what I wanted because I wasn’t entirely sure what I needed from him. I just knew that I needed it. The process brought tears. Not many, but enough to make my eyes a little wet and I pulled off my glasses to avoid having to clean them later.

And then he started talking. Just telling me his thoughts on the session, the fact that he liked that I’d done it, he loved thinking about how I was doing it while he was doing something else… what he liked. And with each phrase it got a little better. I no longer felt unhappy but I did feel a bit drained. We talked briefly and I did say that I felt better, that he did exactly what I was looking for, and we were both happy about that.

He told me that praise for doing good for him was easy. And I realized that that was a word (“praise”) that kept floating around that I kept slapping down when it tried to surface. I guess I’d been trying to tell myself what I needed and I just wasn’t listening.

So yeah. Feeling disconnected, I guess insecure about a scene (as small as it was), and sad enough that it brought tears when I was thinking too much about it… It was mild (at least compared to what I’ve seen other subs describe) but that seems to be what sub drop is for me. First time I’ve experienced it that I’m aware of.

Guess I need to add “praise” to my short aftercare list.