Who's REALLY In Control?

Posted on August 05, 2024
Word Count: 1191

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I’m reading a book written by a vanilla sex therapist, aimed towards vanilla therapists, about the BDSM community and how to understand us and handle us appropriately. Over all it’s a really interesting read, especially taken from the perspective of an outsider… with all the definitions, and interviews trying to help vanillas understand us.

But I reached the classic “oh it’s the submissive/bottom that’s always in control. They always have the control because they can stop what’s going on at any time.”

You know what. No. Like, yes, but also fuck no. That’s such an oversimplification and it’s mostly out there to make new submissives feel safe, and to make vanillas feel better about us. But it completely misses the point.

Yes, the submissive is responsible for communicating their boundaries, and for communicating when something is not working for them, what they do and do not like, and where the play is and is not allowed to go.

You know what, the dominant is responsible for that, too. That’s just negotiation. Each partner in the dynamic brings to the table their own history, likes, dislikes, baggage, fears, trauma, etc. Every person in the dynamic is a whole person and together each person has to communicate the boundaries. The submissive most certainly isn’t in control if they want to be flogged, but flogging is a hard limit for the dominant (as a simple example).

Scenes and dynamics need to be negotiated. That requires both partners to come to an agreement as to what the play terms will be. Both partners can set down boundaries and make the playing field smaller until you have a common ground that you both are comfortable with. Especially for new partners that don’t know each other well. You can always expand the boundaries later.

In general it’s the submissive that has the most relevant boundaries for a particular scene or initial dynamic negotiation. The submissive lays out what they are and aren’t comfortable with, and hopefully, what they’re really excited about, and the dominant plays how they want within the confines of the boundaries laid out. The submissive sets up the playing field, and the dominant makes up the game that fits. That isn’t to say that the dominant’s boundaries aren’t relevant or important, it’s just that unless they are directly opposed to something the submissive wants, they often aren’t discussed (whether they should be or not is a whole different discussion); if the dominant doesn’t want to do something, in general (hopefully), they simply don’t.

Just because I have the ability to pull on an emergency break, and I had some input on the design of the car, doesn’t mean I’m driving the vehicle. To expand the metaphor, I will often give advice on what directions might work best, or places we should stop along the way, but in the end, I’m not the driver, I can only provide input, not control of where the car’s going or how we’re actually going to get there. In fact, sometimes I’ll suggest a simple street and be told it’s a great direction, and end up being taken along a much different route than I thought just to get to the same place. Always an adventure.

Anyway.

Yes, the submissive has some level of control in the scene or dynamic. And how much control that is depends entirely on the couple’s relationship and comfort levels with each other. Both partners bring their own limits and set up boundaries and the play happens within that. Some partnerships give more control to the submissive, and some less. There’s no wrong way to do this as long as both partners are having fun. And what happens when the play begins? The dominant does what dominants do – they take the control given to them by the submissive (at whatever negotiated level that may be) and use it.

Dominants are not (generally) asking for further permission once the negotiations are over. They should check in, and make sure things are still okay, boundaries change and something someone thought was okay may not have actually been… but other than that, they have the control and they use it.

As a submissive, my personal style is such that I don’t want to be in control in the dynamic, but I have a lot of opinions and want to be able to voice them. From our play scenes to real life, it’s important to me that I am listened to and what I have to say is heard and considered. I feel safe voicing the things I do and do not want, because I know he will listen but also not take what I have to say as a demand (even if I kind of phrase it like that without thinking). It’s also important to me that my dominant is still in control and while he takes what I have to say into account, in the end he’s the one making the decisions that are relevant to our dynamic and as much of my life as I can realistically hand over. After developing and evolving our dynamic over two years I gave up most of the control to him. I have reasonable hard limits and personal boundaries that I can’t waiver on (possibly ever), but otherwise he can do all the things, including things I don’t like but aren’t actually hard limits. We didn’t start out that way, and it happened over time as the trust on both sides built so that I could give him that control and he could be comfortable taking it.

No choices; only opinions.

Of course, I have all sorts of choices I have to make all the time that don’t involve him. I have a husband, I have pets, I have businesses, I have a day job… I’m not calling him every 5 minutes to ask him what font I should use or what I should write in my email to a coworker. That’s not what this is. But I message him before I shower and he tells me what color panties to wear. If I’m having trouble making a decision, he can help me with it. It’s especially nice to have a dominant in my friend-group so when we can’t decide on what to eat for dinner, he decides for us.

Who’s really in control? It depends entirely on the situation, but as much as possible… it ain’t me.

"The form that submission takes is negotiated between the parties and may be ended at any time chosen by the submissive partner. It is often said that the submissive party is the one with the true power in the dynamic, because they control what happens (Sciortino, 2018). More accurately, the dynamic between Dominant and submissive may be more accurately compared to a sandbox where the submissive party determines the size of the playing area and the toys that are available but deliberately surrenders their right to dictate how the Dominant will engage with the sand."