Stepping Out of the Dynamic

Posted on August 18, 2024
Word Count: 1145

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We have a user on the WFM server that occasionally complains about their … (mistress/goddess/idk what), and when we tell him he needs to have an out of dynamic conversation as equals he balks, insisting that they aren’t equals and there is no “out of dynamic.”

Always An ‘Out of Dynamic’

Establishing limits and boundaries and communicating and enforcing them is a requirement as a submissive. No really, it really is one of your main responsibilities as a submissive no matter what dynamic you’re in. Limits and boundaries are healthy, and if you’re with a non-toxic dominant they are expecting you to have them. If you can’t communicate them, you become unsafe to play with.

And boundaries move. Over time you’re going to have to communicate them again and re-communicate them as things shift and change. Many times they expand, allowing more play, but sometimes you’ll find something you don’t like and don’t want to ever do again, and not only do you get to say that, but you have to say that.

• If you cannot communicate your limits and boundaries, you are unsafe to play with.
• If you do not have limits or boundaries, you are extra unsafe to play with.
• If you don’t want your partner to communicate their limits or enforce their boundaries you are toxic and need help. Stay away from BDSM until you get that under control.

Dominants that are looking for a healthy dynamic, want to know your limits/boundaries so that they can play within them, confident that they won’t break you. Even in dynamics and scenes that are meant to “break” you, they don’t really want to actually break you.

Everyone, e-ver-y-one, has limits and needs to establish and enforce their boundaries.

Yes, that includes you.

Dominants also have a need to step out of the dynamic sometimes. In fact, I think it may be more crucial for a dominant to be able to do so. If you have something serious to discuss with your sub, you shouldn’t want their role in the negotiated dynamic to impact their reaction or decision (at least, any more than it’s going to, because it’s likely still kind of going to). By establishing a space outside of your dynamic to hash things out without it being D/s, you can figure things out without their fear of disappointing their dominant. You can ensure that they know you’re not ordering them or requiring them to do anything. This is the best space for negotiations to happen.

Fantasy vs Reality

I’ve consensually given up my ability to refuse my dominant. “No choices, only opinions.” The way this works for us is that he does what he wants and if I really don’t want him to do what he wants, I can tell him that, and he can ignore what I’m saying as he feels is appropriate. I fully trust him not to push me over an edge I’m not okay with going over, so begging for him to please not set the bowl of ice on my back, or please stop slapping that same one spot, really communicates my wants, but is not the same as “hold up, this isn’t working and I’m starting to spiral.” I can’t do a classic safeword, I have some mental block against it, it feels too silly and in the moment I’ll balk. So we just do plain English, but there’s still a difference in tone and word choices between submissive begging I don’t want this, and this is an actual problem and we’ve figured that out between us. I know how to step out of that moment and ensure he understands what’s actually going on with me. The reality of the situation is that yes, I can enforce my boundaries, and he wants me to, but up to that point, I don’t have any choice. I know that I can always tell him I need to have a conversation and we’ll have that without our roles getting in the way.

But if you’re so deep in it that you truly believe that you can’t ever step out of that role and communicate your boundaries because “good slaves don’t have boundaries” (ugh, just typing that sarcastically still made me feel queasy), then there’s something very wrong. You are a person and you are an equal to your dominant, like it or not. The whole point is that, as equals, you are giving yourself willingly. Now, if you like the fantasy that you have no choice, and they’re so above you that you don’t deserve to worship blah blah blah. That’s cool. That’s perfectly all right! As long as you still negotiate the terms of your dynamic, and have a way to step out of that dynamic to communicate when things need communicating and renegotiate as needed.

If you cannot step out of your dynamic, you have a real problem. Either you’re in an illegal/immoral/unethical dynamic such as where you’re literally property, and that’s actually a really bad situation and you need to get out as fast as you can, OR you’re delusional and need some real mental help to get out of that.

If you simply don’t want to? Tough cookies. Get the fuck over it. Put on your big kid panties (meant in the most gender-neutral of ways I swear), suck it up, and communicate like the whole person you are.

Okay, Maybe Not Always

Sometimes in a TPE the couple has been together long enough and established strong enough communication methods that they are able to communicate important out-of-dynamic things while still keeping in their roles in the dynamic. It’s rare (especially because TPE are kind of rare to begin with), and takes a very long time of learning each other and establishing those communication methods.

I’ve even heard of a high protocol TPE couple using specific subtle word choices to communicate important things to avoid stepping out of their roles, but I can promise you that took out-of-dynamic conversations to establish.

If you’re serving some random internet Domme and you don’t even know her real name, I can assure you, you’re not in that sort of relationship. Step out of your comfort zone and your dynamic and fucking communicate like the whole person you are.