Tim & Sam - History, feelings, ownership, POA

Posted on April 06, 2025
Word Count: 2498

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Question received in chat that my answer got way out of control to the point I wanted to put it here.

Those are some excellent questions! I’m gonna break this into sections, although the answers may still be kinda big…

How does your husband feel about you being so devoted to your owner?

Okay so first, I don’t gush about Tim IRL the way I do in kink spaces. It’s kept a lot more tame because I feel like that would just be like… rubbing it in? I actively try not to make anyone feel bad about anyone else. I gush pretty hard in spaces like this so I still have an outlet, but don’t gush in places that may be hurtful to Sam.

Sam knows the gist of what we’ve got going on, like how if Tim tells me to do something, I’m going to do it, and things like that. And a lot of the big things I’ve told Tim, I’ve also told Sam. The day I decided to dig out my deepest secrets and lay them out, I did it in a shared channel and had both of them read it and then it got deleted from the channel. I also trust Sam a lot. Not with medical decisions, but that’s more a factor of what he’s willing to do than anything else. Sam doesn’t take as much of an active interest in my health how Tim does. He wants me to be healthy but isn’t going to ensure it happens like Tim is.

Sam is a very quiet person, and vanilla, with very subby vibes. I joke that when Tim got me he got one and a half submissives because Tim has also been helping Sam make doctor’s appointments and whatnot. Sam mostly doesn’t want to deal with it out of just not wanting to deal with it not out of any sort of trauma like I have. Sam also has depression (and is on medication for it which helps) which largely affects how much he’s actually up for doing things like that, so if Tim makes the appointment for him, Sam will go, but Sam won’t make the appointment for himself because it’s too much effort. That sort of thing.

Tim has also been doing that for my/our circle of friends, largely helping people find therapists and get into therapy appointments when that’s too much. It’s just something he does for people and he likes to help. Our friend-group does a lot of friendly bullying into self-care.

So like, Tim only owns me, but he’s also doing kind of dommy things in the group, especially with my help. I’ll start the conversation “Hey T, did you make your appointment? Would you like Tim to help?” etc.
Or “Hey Sam did you make the appointment? What do you need; can Tim help?”

Tim is part of the friend group, Tim and Sam are friends. Tim helps Sam, too. This feels relevant to me to state.

Sam is aware that I’m collared. I asked Sam before Tim collared me if me wearing something for Tim would bother him since we never did wedding rings (we bought a DSLR camera instead), and if he’d like me to wear something for him, too. He was fine, didn’t care, and wasn’t interested in having me wear anything for him.

Before Tim started shaving and using the IPL on me, I checked with Sam if that would bother him that my body hair changed. No, didn’t matter to him.

Tim is very cautious about doing anything that might upset the relationship between Sam and me, and if I show any hesitation about something that Sam might notice, he pretty much insists that I talk to Sam before he and I do it. He knows how important my relationship with Sam is and actively works to encourage and enhance it. It’s important to me so it’s important to him.

Sam is also overwhelmed by large amounts of information, while Tim is not. I’ll send Tim walls of text. Tim wants to know everything about me. Tim looks at my records I keep and asks me questions about them. He reads my logs when I provide them. Sam mutes the house chat because too many messages got sent for him to process sometimes and then doesn’t know what’s going on. So how I share things has to be handled differently for the different communication styles they each can handle.

I share the relevant bits with Sam, but Tim gets all the details. Not because I wouldn’t share it with Sam but because Sam will forget it or won’t be able to process it all anyway and he just doesn’t care. (Like that sounds kind of bad, but it’s not. I track/log a lot of things that are fairly meaningless for most partners to know.)

I do trust Sam, and he helps me on things all the time. I just don’t gush about how much I love his improv or D&D, or how great he is at wood working, or the book he wrote or how much I love cuddling with him at night… He’s vanilla with pretty subby vibes and it’s not super relevant to other subs or general kinksters.

Because Sam is vanilla he genuinely can’t give me what I need. We tried. We started out open so it was never a concern to do some playing around. In fact playing around was how Sam and I got together. I stuck my hand down his pants after tying him up in a hotel room full of people at an anime con. And we messed around some. And after con I asked him to keep doing things with me and he did.

Over the years we had play sessions with friends, usually a third person for a session or a few sessions. Nothing serious. We did a group session with another couple once, where I was topping them and Sam was kind of helping. We came really close to forming a triad with a bisexual dom-leaning friend, but I said something that pissed him off and he lost interest. (Honestly, I still think he was being overly-sensitive about it, especially since I didn’t know it was such a sore spot and I apologized. But it was doomed to go that direction regardless since it ended that easily.)

But all in all over the years it was just Sam and me and then some people we or I played with. And Sam tried for me. We gave it a really good shake. I’ve got a suffering kink, where I desperately want to suffer for someone else. It’s masochism-adjacent. Not quite liking pain for the pain, but liking to take pain for someone. Liking someone putting me through it. I also need words to keep me grounded and Sam’s quiet. So we were working on it, and trying. But the day we stopped was the day he was hurting me and to coax him into saying what I needed I asked if he liked hurting me, and he said, kind of flatly “honestly no, I’m just doing it because you like it.”

And that was it. That was the last time we played together because while I appreciate the honestly, it killed any interest I had. And while it was hard for Sam, too, it kind of brought us both to terms that he couldn’t fulfill this need in me. We went on for a long time after that where we just didn’t do anything anymore. My libido crashed. I was uninterested in any sexual contact. I was already uninterested in penetrative sex, but we stopped most anything else we were doing, too. I would masturbate about once every month or two just to end whatever fantasies I was having and get back to work or project or whatever.

After a few years I started looking for a play partner again. I felt I was finally up for something, and wanted to find someone to just scratch that itch once in a while, but preferably also be friends. Come to D&D. Hang out with my friends. Like a friend with kinky benefits thing.

It took nearly a year of trying to find someone. During that time I encouraged Sam to try to find someone as well. He didn’t do as well, since he has such a hard time talking. Talking and dating is kind of miserable for him. So he lost interest well before I did. Eventually I gave up but left my profile up. I had things to do and watching and managing OKC and Feeld was taking too much time. I had a con to run.

That, of course, was when I got a message asking me about my D&D game. New guy. One picture and not a great picture. Almost completely empty profile. Ugh, uninterested. But fine. He asked me a polite question, I would answer it. So I did. And we quickly got to talking. And we quickly got to interested. And then we were arranging a meeting. And we walked his dog around the park for a few hours talking and really connecting. And then we were arranging a more private time. And I got way more than a friend with kinky benefits. A real dominant had walked into my life and was interested in me and I really liked him back.

And the first 6-ish months was actually the hardest for Sam because he knew there was something I needed that he genuinely couldn’t give me. I tried to reassure him as best I could when I started dating Tim. I did my best to check in with Sam regularly, and sit and talk. His depression didn’t help and at the time I think he was still unmedicated. It took him a long time to feel secure. It was pretty obvious that I had a different relationship forming with Tim than I had with Sam and that was kind of hard to navigate for a while. Especially before Tim and Sam became friends.

Tim has done what he could all along to support Sam and me, encouraging discussions, time, and the help he’s given Sam over the years has helped Sam feel more secure. Tim has not only managed to mostly bring my libido back but has been encouraging more sexual activity between Sam and me to help that going, too. I never had a high sex drive, so it’s still hard for me. If Tim didn’t initiate anything I could easily fall back into masturbating maybe once every month or two and not thinking much more of it. So that adds an additional complication to the mix.

So it was kind of hard, but we all did the work to communicate and reassure and do our best to help Sam, especially, feel secure with the new and very different relationship I was forming.

Like…does hubby also own you because like….marriage?

When Tim and I started dating and we were just kind of figuring out how our dynamic would work, I struggled with the terms a bit. Before Tim, Sam and I would regularly say “Mine” to each other and after Tim I wasn’t sure how to manage that anymore. But Tim actually put it all in perspective for me with one word: scope. (I program for a hobby so this made perfect sense to me immediately.)

Within the scope of Tim’s and my relationship, I’m Tim’s.

Within the scope of Sam’s and my relationship, I’m Sam’s.

They both own me, but the context of how is encapsulated within each relationship. As long as there are boundaries that prevent them from encroaching on the other’s ownership, and I do my job as a good hinge, they both get that and can be secure knowing that I am theirs. Each of them.

How does he feel about you giving poa to your owner? Is there conflict there?

And I could put both my partners names on it. And I did.

After some discussion with Sam alone, and Tim alone, and Sam and Tim together, it’s set up so that Sam or Tim can talk on my behalf in a medical situation. If I contradict them, my word is what matters, but as long as I don’t say anything, either of them can speak for me.

Sam is quiet and is not likely to want that responsibility, so none of us anticipate any conflict, and I have full faith that Tim will listen to Sam’s concerns in the same way he listens to mine, and Tim will handle whatever needs to be handled, if things go really poorly and decisions actually have to be made for me because I’m unconscious and unable to speak for myself.

But it was important to me that Sam also be able to do that. And so he is.

So there’s no conflict there whatsoever. Tim is taking full reins on my medical everything and Sam is happy not to get dragged to any more appointments, where really all he was being was a presence and nothing more. Sam went with me as moral support. Tim goes with my as my advocate.

That all being said, while we were filling it all out and discussing it, Tim said something like this to me privately – “Is it weird that I’m really liking this from a dominant perspective?” which I replied something like “no, I also find it pretty hot from the submissive side.”

We were both really into the power part of the POA, even though we had completely practical reasons to be doing it in the first place.