Green Flags to Look for in Dominants

Posted on May 20, 2025
Word Count: 851

Comments 0

Green Flags that I think are good examples to look for in dominants in general, especially for romantic relationship styles (some of this is not applicable to non-romantic dynamics or bedroom-only, but a lot still applies):

• They check in with you frequently, not only at the beginning of the new dynamic, but also throughout, ensuring you’re informed and okay with what is happening in the dynamic. As the dynamic unfolds, check-ins may lessen in frequency but don’t stop.
• They insist on a safe word, will honor it, and make sure you know how to use it, or some other method of communication and “emergency stop” if a traditional safe word isn’t your style *
• They insist on perfect honesty, even if that honesty is “I’m so fucking mad at you right now and here’s why” and honesty in good faith will not be punished. **
• They strive to be equally honest and open with you. ** (again)
• They set their ego aside, making decisions based on your needs and the needs of the dynamic, not on what makes them feel powerful
• They’re patient with your needs. If you’re slow to be okay with something, they take a step back and take smaller steps with you to reach the goal because helping you try and succeed with their guidance is satisfying for them.
• They want to know all about your needs, wants, and desires, and do their best to cater to that, helping you reach your goals, and bringing elements of your fantasies into play, because they genuinely like seeing you happy and successful
• They care about your limits and boundaries, discuss them with you, and help you enforce them (even with them) ****
• They’re interested in and willing to renegotiate regularly, not only to move the dynamic forward, but to take steps back when needed and keep you feeling secure in the dynamic
• They care about things you care about. While they don’t necessarily have to care about [random hobby you care a lot about], they respect that it’s important to you and don’t make decisions that impact that negatively unless it’s something necessary
• They encourage you to have your own hobbies and things you are passionate about
• If family is important to you, they are interested in helping you foster better connections with them
• They encourage building strong relationships with friends and building ties in the community
• They are respectful to you, and they are respectful to others (Note that even if you play with humiliation, that’s not what I mean by that)
• They encourage you to be a whole-ass person in your real life, even if in the dynamic you play at being less of one (because some people don’t like being people and they’d rather be a horse, for example)
• They aren’t building complete reliance on them, and are insisting on you building savings and resources so that if anything happens and the dynamic ends, you’ll be okay

* I don’t use traditional safe words. I can’t. In the moment I won’t say them. Tim and I use plain English communication and if for any reason I can’t speak, I just have to snap my fingers. After being with him for over 2 years I gave him (unprompted, he never asked for it) my ability to say “no” or refuse anything. He now has the responsibility to evaluate any time I say “no” or “stop” and decide if he will keep going or if I really need a stop or pause. That was negotiated explicitly and it took a lot of time and trust to reach that point in our dynamic. It was something I wanted and I gave it to him more than willingly; this is advanced play and most kinksters do not or should not strive for that. What’s important here is that sometimes I have real problems, and we’ve been together and played together long enough that he knows when I’m begging for him to stop because I don’t like what he’s doing, but that’s fine and he can keep going, or when I actually need a real break because something’s wrong. We played a lot before we got to the point that I could fully trust that he knew the difference and would handle me appropriately, no matter what I said. I find going past when I want something to stop hot, so this was something I wanted. Not everyone wants that. And it’s okay to never reach that point.

*** I have another partner being polyamorous. Tim cares very strongly about consent, and while I had a boundary that the dynamic shouldn’t affect my marriage, Tim was very insistent on it. He wouldn’t have me do anything that would make Sam feel uncomfortable, and in fact strives for the opposite, doing his best to enhance my relationship with Sam because Sam is important to me and Tim cares about that.