Durable Medical Power of Attorney

Posted on October 23, 2025
Word Count: 1244

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I don’t really remember what triggered the thought, but one day I remembered some of the struggles that happen with poly people and partners in medical situations. And even sometimes just normal couples when they aren’t married. It doesn’t sound like it happens as often, but there are situations where a partner is not allowed to be there with the person in the hospital because they aren’t married and have no rights in that situation.

And I panicked.

The thought of one of my partners not being able to see me if I ended up in the hospital, if I ended up in the worst place ever and visitation was limited… it was a terrifying thought!

After discussing the situation with Tim, he told me that I could fill out a medical power of attorney (POA) that would allow him to be there, and it would also allow him to talk to the medical staff on my behalf.

I’m not good about my own medical decisions. I have made some bad choices in the past, and recognize that I should be doing things that I am not doing and will not do given my own free will. So I dropped that whole mess in Tim’s lap; I gave up full medical control to Tim. As per usual, he never asked for that power, but I gave it to him anyway and he was happy to have it. It’s been rather freeing to not worry about any of it. Anything to do with my health is now on Tim and at best, I might do research or offer suggestions to help him. Things I’d never have bothered to do for just me.

My favorite thing to do when someone says anything about my health or medical anything is say: “That’s Tim’s problem.”

There was one time where Sam told me “you should take care of yourself” and I just kind of made a whining noise at him and he changed it to “Tim should take care of you” and I grinned. Much better.

I will state though that Tim does not make medical decisions for me without input from me. I can choose not to have input, and he can override my input and make whatever decision needs to be made (per our dynamic, not legally), but he always listens to me when I have things to say about it. He knows my fears and my concerns and it’s all taken into account.

I hate medical stuff. I have medical trauma that I’m largely trying to just… pretend doesn’t exist until I absolutely must deal with it. I don’t trust doctors. I don’t feel safe in medical situations. And I will avoid it all to the point of danger to myself. I am fairly lucky that I’m relatively healthy and my avoidance hasn’t actually caused a lot of problems for me.

Signing a POA, which allows him to talk on my behalf without me having to do anything, actually was a reasonable next step to take. It handled my actual concern (not being able to have both my life partners with me in the hospital), and allowed him to then be able to actually handle my medical stuff in the moment with minimal input from me. I tend to shut down in medical situations and then get angry later after I processed what happened. I’ve been railroaded a few too many times.

So when we started talking about the POA, he already had been given the power to make medical decisions for me. And this kicked up our original agreement heavily.

Tim went over all the paperwork with me in detail. He wanted to be absolutely sure that I was marking things that I wanted. I discussed things with him and while there was one checkbox he refused* to provide me a suggestion on (like wtf this is our agreement, he’s supposed to make decisions for me dammit), he otherwise helped me answer the questions in ways I was happy with. And because it was extremely important to me, both my partners are on that POA.

As we were discussing the paperwork, there was a moment where he looked at me and asked if it was weird that he was really into doing this, from like a dom perspective. And I replied that no, I was really into it from the sub side, too. While not intended as another way to hand over control to him, and realistically if he said one thing and I said another, the doctors legally had to take my own word over his, it was still really hot. We were filling out legal paperwork to let him have more control in my life.

Technically, Sam also has that same control since his name is also on the POA, but without the dynamic or the interest, he at least is able to be my support when needed. He doesn’t find the concept quite so hot, though.

We got it notarized at con, 2024, right before our BDSM panel where I could announce we’d just done it. (Thank you llama ~<3)

2025 was a bad year for me. I got sick multiple times where I did actually need to go to urgent care. Actual need. I couldn’t have avoided it, although I would have waited days longer than Tim did with me. The POA got used several times including one time where I yelled at a doctor who was trying to make me talk instead of Tim. Stressful year. But he was there with me the whole way. He made every appointment, he drove me to them, he dealt with the paperwork (and the POA meant he could even sign for me so I didn’t have to), and he mostly talked for me when I wasn’t up for talking. He was amazing support for what are highly stressful situations for me. And yeah, he could have still been there for me without the POA, but it definitely smoothed some things over.

While it isn’t something I’d recommend just doing without reason, it is legal paperwork after all, it’s been valuable for us and our dynamic. It is something you may want to look into for more important reasons, though.

After Tim and I did that, his other sub filled one out as well, and so did he. His is a springing POA that has his wishes for the worst possible situations and has both of his partners listed. So yeah, some power imbalance there, I can’t talk for him if he’s conscious, but honestly, I don’t want to. I genuinely hope to never need to be in a position where I might be making those decisions. I need to die first, dammit!! But it’s something everyone should probably think about and write down, officially, in a way that makes it so that the medical personnel have to honor your wishes. Because that paperwork isn’t just “Tim can talk for me.” It’s also what my wishes are regarding life support and whatnot. It’s some heavy stuff. And stuff to best to consider while healthy.

* Tim saw this and said: “I don’t know if it’s too much of a tangent but maybe emphasis on that being because legally some things have to be an uncompelled choice and I’m a stickler for that 😆”
Yes, yes, whatever. Legal blah blah. We agreed you’d make decisions for me, dammit. 😛