The Effects of Handing over Medical Control

Posted on May 08, 2024
Word Count: 511

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[From the WFM server] I hope you guys don’t mind my continual gushing or musing over my dynamic. I’m in new territory for me, and also kind of frenzying.

Okay so way back in October I handed over control of all medical responsibilities to Tim. And it was fucking hot.
(https://discord.com/channels/928037167677181952/956334375396581406/1161055596196409364)

Since then, it’s been really low-key. A couple minor necessary things, but very little discussion except what we had right out of the gate. Until I finally realized how much anxiety I was having over not knowing the plan and shared that.

Tim made a mistake a lot of people make with me and attempted to not tell me something to keep me from worrying. Except not knowing makes me worry. He knew this, at least for other situations, but it didn’t quite connect until I said I was having anxiety over the whole thing.

So he went over the plan. And that has had a couple effects.

First, my anxiety over the unknown is gone. I’m not worrying about if he’s forgotten things or if I need to remind him. It’s all out there, it’s fine. I can see the plan. We need to finalize it in like… a location and not just randomly in our chat, but it’s there and that’s good for the moment.

Second, it’s definitely driven home some of the feelings of being owned. And that’s cool. I like the powerlessness of the whole thing. Especially when combined with the new parameters on our dynamic where I’ve recently given up even more than I had back in October.

Third, and this is the most surprising to me, I’ve been actually engaged. Like normally I’m very “ignore it until it’s obvious it won’t go away” when it comes to most medical stuff. But I’ve actually been researching things and looking for alternative ideas for stuff I have trouble with.
Because here’s the thing. I no longer have to worry about advocating for myself in what is for me an extremely stressful situation. I no longer have to worry about what someone is going to think about me as I’m struggling to ask for an alternative solution to something I have an issue with.

My research is to help him and not something for me to have to worry about. He has taken the responsibility off me and it’s freed up a portion of my head to devote to other things.

He is going to set the appointments, ask the questions, seek alternatives that have a better chance of working for me, and advocate for me if something is off.

I have complete confidence that while I will struggle with some stuff, he’s going to be there to be my support, and ensure things go as well as possible.

I hate dealing with this stuff, and I hate that I have to do anything in the first place, but this is genuinely the best possible situation for me… just handing over all the power and not having to worry about it further because it’s out of my hands