Quick Thoughts
Small thoughts and messages not worthy of their own pages but still something I feel like putting out there. Largely curated and possibly lightly edited from my posts and discussions in the WFM server.
-
a safeword is not "you're doing it wrong" it's "hold up"
-
safe wording is your emergency stop everything button
you should not be concerned about being polite, and no dom should ever be upset by you using it when you need ita safeword is not “you’re doing it wrong” it’s “hold up”
-
(Intro when I joined the submissive-only server)
Preferred Name/Title/Alias: Beta (It’s a name/handle not a title nor a description)
Type(s) of submissive: 🤷♀️ Shrug?
I’m not a service sub, nor a brat, nor into roleplay. IDK. I’m not very good at fitting into molds/labels sometimes.
Pronouns: she/her
Describe your current dynamic: TPE-ish? He pretty much has however much power over me he wants, and he takes care of me. I’m pretty independent though, which works well for both of us.
Hobbies/Interests: So, so much. Crafting of most types (recently got into leatherworking and I’m making so many fun leather restraints and toys, but not all are leather). I keep chickens. Dog training to some extent. Gardening. Programming. I help run an anime convention. I write a tiny bit.
Kinks: Bondage and impact play are my top ones. I have a bunch more but am not interested in writing an exhaustive list.
Limits: None of your business, thanks 😅
I only really disclose that list to someone I intend to play with.
Areas of Expertise: Research? Trying things. Experience… Kind of a Jack of all Trades. I have presented panels for general BDSM Q&A, and Polyamory at the local anime con.Bio
I’ve been a submissive for 26 years. I’ve been poly somewhere in the neighborhood of 21 years. I have two life partners: Sam, a vanilla husband of 13 years; and Tim, my dominant for 3 years who shifted from dominant/boyfriend to owner in about 2 years. I have permission to use their names in online kink spaces.Was wild in my youth and happy to share experiences and cautions (still kinda wild, just… less-so). In my time as a submissive I have tried a lot of things with a lot of people. And still trying things! But mostly just with Tim 😄 ❤️
I’m a leader and bossy and intimidating and driven… and am happiest to just do what I’m told but only for the ones I’ve submitted to.
-
I don’t do a formal journal, but I do various writing things that my owner reads. Largely discord messages but also this blog. If I have miscommunications, because that’s always going to happen when two people are communicating, I do my best to clear it up as soon as possible. Sometimes I’ll ask for more time if I need to really put thought to words. It can take hours, days, or even weeks sometimes to mull over what’s going on and what words I want to use them I write everything down and provide it to him in a detailed wall of text.
I will say I’m always as honest as I can be and if I’ve said anything that wasn’t true I prioritize corrections because I’d rather be honest and deal with any pain and conflict we might have over it than hide the truth for either of our comforts and I know that’s what he expects of me as well.
Sometimes something is said in the moment that will end up explained or corrected in detail several days later
I have definitely had times where I’ve had to mull something over for days or weeks before I could communicate it. Sometimes the best I’ve been able to say is “I’m having feelings. I don’t know what they are and I’ll let you know as soon as I figure it out.”
I work really hard on being as transparent as I can be with him
-
It’s taken me a while but I’ve noticed the shift in my language when talking about Tim in kink-friendly crowds. I started with “boyfriend/dominant” when our relationship was new, and over time have shifted to almost always use “owner” if I’m not just straight up using Tim’s name.
I’m happy with this shift. When we started calling him my owner, it took me a long time to start internalizing it, and this shift in language is a good sign. I don’t know that I entirely feel it, but the label is there and I do trust Tim to take care of me when I need to be taken care of.
It was a surprise to me when we were talking about dying my hair and he calmly told me it was something he’d allow. I had to back-track a little and mull over that comment. I’d never actually thought that far into it. It makes sense. If he owns this body then I should ask permission before making changes to it. But we’d never discussed that aspect before. What else should I be discussing with him if this body is his?
-
I’ve been to Folsom Street Fair twice and it was a lot of fun. I look forward to going back at some point but it happens during a busy time of my year when it’s next to impossible to give up a weekend to the drive and event.
I’d love to go to more big events, but cost is a concern. Folsom is at least “free” (with a suggested donation upon entry). As a con runner, I’m most interested in the conventions, but damn that’s a lot of money for entry 😅 and I’m a bit too busy to volunteer
I have intentions to volunteer my time at some point. Anime con vs kink con are different beasts, but event running is still event running and I have a decade of experience with registration, optimization, and general organizational tasks. This year is just not looking good for that 😅
Maybe next year.
-
Limits definitely change with time and experience
Nothing wrong with that at all
I’d say it’s healthier to say “I don’t know my limits yet” than to say “I don’t have any limits” -
Safewords or some equivalent are a necessary part of a healthy dynamic because things can always go sideways.
-
On my suggestion, Tim’s started putting his feet down on me while I’m down on the floor. Sometimes just one foot on me while he’s standing, or sometimes resting both up on me while he’s sitting on the bed.
Something about that pressure on my back is really comforting in a way I can’t really put words to. -
I always want to be clear with people that we didn’t just start this way 😅
Like he was all green flags from day one. But we still started fairly cautiously and slowly and developed it over time.
The early sessions had their share of things going wrong, too, with misunderstandings and slip-ups. But each time we talked it through with no real drama and continued on. It didn’t take long for that sort of thing to just stop happening
We’re both very good at communicating which helps a ton. It really is the most important thing
-
Recommend Love and Leashes
It was a realistic and relatively healthy BDSM romance
It even shows things going wrong which is neat.
The tension and drama comes from the getting together and exploring the relationship and dynamic together, being unsure of what they’re kind of doing, and doing it without losing their jobs. They’re like… actually talking. Real communication. Trying things. Not all the things work. etcIt was highly recommended on the bdsm subreddits when it came out, so I made a point to watch it when I could. Watched it with Tim 🙂
It was a cute movie. -
It would be nice to see more good representation for kink and poly relationships in the media.
-
I was one of those people that didn’t understand consent for a long time.
The thing is it wasn’t really taught sufficiently in school. At least not any of the schools I went to.
What was taught was only in the context of sex vs rape. There really wasn’t anything else. All other information I received on it was through, basically, TV and movies. Which is really not a great model. Especially considering how many “just keep trying/pushing until they give in” plots are out there (usually in the context of a man pursuing a woman).It wasn’t until I got a lot older and more experienced, and learned from actual people how it is really, realistically supposed to work, and had some time to internalize that and relearn my behaviors, that I was able to change that.
-
The only people who get to say there is no out of dynamic for them are either doing it unethically, or have had a TPE going on for so long they don’t need it anymore because they have established methods of communications that allow them to have those conversations without breaking role because they simply don’t want to
-
Day to day interactions with Tim can be pretty vanilla seeming… until he grabs me roughly while I’m talking, usually in the middle of the sentence, to kiss or grope me.
Which doesn’t derail me. I sometimes attempt to continue talking with his lips over mine. It doesn’t quite work, but… sentence.
But it’s really fun. Especially when he grabs my hair and squeezes
-
I told my mother I was into BDSM when I was like 15, or 16. She was very against it, (I very clearly remember her saying “sex isn’t supposed to hurt”) but more or less figured out I was going to do what I was going to do and didn’t fight me that hard on it. Because she wasn’t going to win.
I’m a fierce supporter of being who you are openly, myself included. Like fucking fight me 😁
-
I put up my garden flags
To spite the neighbors who it might upset, and to make anyone else feel safe who might feel safer with this sort of signal displayed
And to support those who aren’t or don’t feel safe broadcasting this sort of signal
-
Tim has been putting these things through their paces and really testing how strong that leather is. It’s bunched up and pulled a bit but the stitching is strong and the leather hasn’t torn yet
