Quick Thoughts
Small thoughts and messages not worthy of their own pages but still something I feel like putting out there. Largely curated and possibly lightly edited from my posts and discussions in the WFM server.
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In my relationship, I started out with my bf as my dominant, and over time the dynamic developed such that he became my owner. We do it in a semi-pet play thing? Like human pet. He takes care of me, and makes decisions for me that I either don’t want to make or he has decided we should let him make. I tell him everything going on with me, and if he wants to tell me what to do, I obey.
How that looks for us from the outside is fairly low-key. I’m a pretty independent person and he likes it that way. From the inside it’s … a lot 😂
The power exchange is always kind of humming away in the background of everything we do, even all the vanilla stuff
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I’ve only done minimal research on chastity as it’s not a kink I have, but from what I understand:
- AMAB – get a lot out of it. The longer they go the more intense things are. I’ve met people who have gone a year or more and are super into going and going and going
- AFAB – get a lot out of short durations. Too long and the libido starts dying and the person starts feeling rejected
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In response to a new sub scared about a first punishment
If this is a new aspect to your dynamic I’d like to remind you to examine the effects of it after the fact.
Does it enhance the dynamic? Or did it detract? Or neutral?
Did it have it’s intended effect? If it’s truly a punishment, then it should modify your behavior to avoid the thing that caused it. Or was it “funishment” (I hate that word, lol), where you both know it won’t actually modify your behavior but you want to do it anyway.Do you want to let your dominant do behavior modification, because if so, punishment is only a tiny piece of a much bigger puzzle and often doesn’t work because it isn’t applied correctly by most people.
Punishment dynamics are common but aren’t required. I personally will not enter into a punishment dynamic because I have a suffering kink and no matter how miserable it sounds… it also sounds hot 😂 So I will get myself into actual trouble. Not like “oh no more punishment” but like “we have a real problem here” trouble.
Punishment and its application is something that is negotiated, and I feel like a lot of people forget that 😅 so just wanted to remind you that after it’s happened, think about it, determine how you feel about it, and share your feelings on the matter with your dominant.
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In response to: I want to keep the facade that our relationship is special
I just want to say as one poly person to another that your relationship is special. Every relationship is unique and special ❤️ and love is not only boundless but endless. Loving another person does not detract from the love you share.
It’s not a facade. 🫂 -
I will absolutely top from the bottom if whoever I’m playing with isn’t sufficiently dominant for my style, or simply doesn’t know what they’re doing.
I will not with my owner. He knows what he’s doing and doesn’t ever take my feedback as anything other than a suggestion
sadly, I’ve been with enough people to know from experience that I will totally top from the bottom when I’m not feeling sufficiently dominated 😂
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IMO, you shouldn’t need to be reassuring your partner about their other partner. It’s his job as the hinge to keep each of his partners comfortable with each other to minimize jealousy issues. While I can’t say I haven’t complained to one partner about another (because, oh boy, have I), in general he should have a neutral third party (friend, therapist, whatever) that he can go to to complain or express issues to to avoid poisoning one partner against the other.
It is not your job to make him feel better about his other partner. You can be supportive by listening, but if he continues to complain about the other partner not doing things you may need to set a boundary there.
you don’t have to give him the cold shoulder, but it’s not your job to make excuses for the other partner
Nod and like “oh that sucks” or something. Sympathize. Keep an ear out for red flags. Change the subject if you can, or pivot to something related.I spoke with [Tim] and his suggestion is:
Practice active listening. Be there, listen, and empathize with him (“man, that sucks.”), but do your best to stay out of the other relationship because it’s not your business. He mentioned that if his partner was having trouble with another partner, if it was serious, rather than comment on the relationship, he would encourage them to get into couples counseling. -
traveling far enough that you’re likely to be unrecognized is a good way to feel safe and enjoy yourselves, unburdened ❤️
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I’m a fairly open person about a lot of things, and my friends and family know I’m poly and I am fierce about “this is me, deal with it” but I am very cautious about what I tell coworkers. It’s not a protected status and I could be fired for it. I genuinely don’t think I would be, but I’d rather not give them the excuse.
Otherwise, I am pretty open about it and it hasn’t been a big deal at all for anyone so far, friend, family, or stranger.
I don’t necessarily suggest flaunting these things if you’re not ready to harden yourself against the reality that some people are going to hate you for it.
Personally, I think that’s their loss. If they want to be ignorant and hate me because I have so much love in my life, that’s their problem. But you need to be ready to handle that.I like being an “in your face” type of person about these things. All my friends know I’m kinky and submissive and poly. I don’t like hiding things like that, it takes too much energy.
But I’m also very “fight me” about it.
I am open and willing to make people uncomfortable about things like this so that hopefully others won’t have to. I know a lot of people who are kinky and scared to let anyone know that. Poly. Gay. Trans.
Like, there’s so many things people are scared of. I care very much that my friends can be who they want to be. You do you.
And I’ll defend them with all the energy I have.The most important part is that you keep yourself safe.
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I’m bursting with excitement and I just need to poly brag so hard.
My husband, my owner, and I, just bought a house together for the polycule. We signed the closing paperwork and wired the down payment this afternoon.
The household will be (in rough order of the line our polycule forms) my husband, me, my owner, his other submissive/girlfriend as a renter, and his kid every other week.
And I’m just crazy excited to be moving in with both of my partners in a few weeks, and we’re all really comfortable with the idea of each other as roommates and feel we’re prepared for the typical roommate squabbles and adjustment period.
We bought a decently sized house for our budget. It’s not huge, but 2500sq feet is decent with 5 bedrooms – enough space for all of us plus a huge central living area. And it’s on a 1 acre lot so we can build a couple sheds for extra storage and project spaces.
🎉
So stoked 🎊
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My dominant/owner did not influence my relationship with my vanilla husband for a long time.
Over time lines have blurred as we’ve figured out where comfort levels are -
“I have a Dom and you have to follow his rules” Like… I don’t have to follow anything; I don’t have a dynamic with him.
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In general, in polyamory, your relationships with each other are highly individualized.
Not everyone is okay with kitchen table poly, and that’s okay.
It’s okay for you to have a need or desire for potential partners to meet your dominant, but they are also not weird or out of line to have a boundary that they don’t want to, especially right away.
It’s common for people to be uncomfortable meeting partners, especially right away -
I have a zero-tolerance policy on ignoring safe words (or whatever equivalent method you have)
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The safe word isn’t just an emergency break to keep you safe, it’s to also help the dominant feel safe in what they’re doing with you
If you can’t safeword, they have to go way lighter with you because they can’t trust you to communicate / warn them
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If you’re having trouble safewording, something that you can try is practice sessions where the goal is to use your safeword. Not necessarily to hit your limits to do so, but like set up a plan to have him check in and require you to recite the safeword, or require you to use it well before you hit any limits, and then praise, debrief, and decide together if you want to continue or not. Just until you get comfortable saying it 🤷♀️
Think of it like this…
You can always stop, check in, and keep going.
It’s a hell of a lot harder to come back from a problem if you’ve gone past the limit and now something is wrong.
Safeword earlyOnce you have a better handle on when you should be safewording you can push how long you go before doing it.
Safewords don’t displease good dominants.
You’re going to displease him a hell of a lot more if you don’t safeword when you should have and he ends up hurting you or going over your limits.You being able to safeword and communicate effectively takes the worry off of the dominant. They can go as hard as they want, secure in the knowledge that if they push too hard and get too close to your limits you’ll show them the boundary before they hit it.
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Maybe just use plain english communication
I can’t use a safeword, it doesn’t work for me. When I’m having trouble I just tell him flat out “I’m having trouble”
although honestly, most of the time the most I can say is “words” because I largely go non-verbal during play, and I need him to give me a minute to get words together
but it’s perfectly okay to say mid-scene “this is hard for me”
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Don’t make assumptions. If you’re worried your dominant is thinking or feeling something, you need to ask.
I’m a huge advocate for over-communicating with the dominant. It’s perfectly okay to do, and dominants like to know what’s going on in your head. This allows them to push up to your limits without going over them, taking a weight off of them.
And depending on what’s going on, they can use things you say “against” you (in a very fun way you actually enjoy, if that’s your thing)
talk, talk, talk.
overshare
it’s okay 🫂