Quick Thoughts
Small thoughts and messages not worthy of their own pages but still something I feel like putting out there. Largely curated and possibly lightly edited from my posts and discussions in the WFM server.
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Can I just state for a moment that I hate the concept of superhuman dominants without flaws? I see it in media and it drives me up the wall. We’re setting bad expectations for dominants and setting ourselves up to fail when we find someone perceived as without flaws.
I don’t like superhuman doms. I just don’t. It’s all fantasy and kind of toxic. I like my doms to be human. I like my partners to be human… flawed, interesting human beings with a past, and interests, and emotions. I want a dominant to feel safe being vulnerable with me and letting their guard down. I’m not comfortable letting my guard down with someone who won’t share their flaws with me.
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Seems like everyone’s sick lately. I’ve been sick since last Sunday. I’m finally over the worst of it, but it’s moved into my ears 🙄
Since my owner is in control of my medical everything, he didn’t want to let me wait and see if it would clear up on its own since it had already been 3 days (which apparently is the recommended limit for waiting for that sort of thing). Whatever 😂
But like. He handled everything for me 😍
He signed me up for and set up Teledoc, did the call with me next to him, he talked for me, got me a prescription, called the pharmacy when the prescription seemed to be taking too long, picked up the prescription, and brought it to me, put it in my hands, and told me the instructions.
And I was okay and relatively happy with all of this until he handed me the pills and told me when to take them and I was just 🫠 kind of a momentary subby mess. Fuck, I love when he tells me what to do. 🥵 He even had on his serious face when he told me which just… 🫠 yes absolutely, whatever you want. ❤️🔥
But I am over the worst of everything and now taking antibiotics to hopefully clear up whatever’s taken hold in my ears. Very much tired of feeling like I have ear plugs in that I can’t remove 😭
My favorite part of him setting up the Teledoc thing is him grumbling about how it was asking for the first day of my last period, and it was a mandatory unskippable question. And he’s like – “yes because that’s so relevant for a head cold”
Like, welcome to my world. 😆There was a good period of my life that I wasn’t tracking my period at all. There was one time where the nurse could have picked a random date out of thin air and it would have been as good of a guess than mine because I have an irregular period and I simply wasn’t tracking it and didn’t care to. At this time I track it for my owner, so that’s no longer the case, but if he didn’t care then I would stop.
I don’t care all that much that it’s asked, I care that an answer is mandatory.
I wasn’t allowed to shrug and say “dunno.” She made me make up a random date.
I’m one of those people that goes months without a period and doesn’t think twice about it. I don’t think I had a period for a year during the height of the pandemic. It’s super irregular and stops when I’m stressed. Always has. Just like my mom. 🤷♀️
(Tests have been done, nothing to be found. It’s just how I am. 🤷♀️) -
In response to someone bitching about the community not being what they want and “threatening” to leave.
I get the impression you came to BDSM expecting a world of perfect communication and consent and found, instead, a bunch of messed up people just trying to get off.
The problem here is that the community – any community – is going to be filled with people. People are flawed and, in general, out for themselves. Any and every community is going to have pools of gatekeepers and bad actors.
I say that not only as a kinkster of 26 years, but someone who’s run an anime and gaming convention for 15 years and is part of the nerd communities as well. Any and every community has these problems because we’re all just people. And people vary a lot in attitude, experience, drive, etc.
You don’t want it to be like the vanilla world? Welp, you’re still dealing with just people, either way. It’s not BDSM vs vanilla, here. It’s just a preference and we’re still all people. Vanilla is valid and doesn’t make you a good or bad person as much as BDSM is valid and doesn’t make you a good or bad person. And also doesn’t make you a good or bad communicator as much as communication skills are key for BDSM.
You don’t like how people ignore the history? Welp… Some of us like learning the history but most people just jump in and move forward, bumbling along. Not everyone takes the time to educate themselves. And that’s just how it’s going to be.
You don’t need to know the history to be part of the community how it is now. You don’t need to know the history to be a good dominant/submissive/switch. You just need to educate yourself on safety and communicate very well, ready and willing to learn as you go.
One of the first things I tell new people is to not only learn yourself but learn how to look for red flags and toxic situations. You see a toxic community? Leave it. There are absolutely toxic BDSM spaces… and a lot of them. You hunt down the good ones and stay there.
There is going to be an overabundance of toxic BDSM spaces because it involves sex and power, and awful people are going to gravitate towards that. But that doesn’t mean decent people aren’t out here.
I’m sorry you’re having trouble with the community. Community is opt-in. You don’t have to be here. You can just do BDSM by yourself or with a partner. I was out of the community for a decade while I did other things.
Do what you feel you need to, but you may also want to take a step back and think about what you’re actually looking for and maybe learn to accept that all these spaces are made up of people and so each space you find could be filled with good and bad. We’re all different, diverse, and flawed, and so are the spaces we occupy.
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Everyone uses “sir” and I’m just like… I worked retail for something like 7 years. “Sir” is what I call strange men. No thanks.
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Kinksters can’t even agree on safety, which is why RACK became a thing because people thought SSC was too preachy
The only things I’ve seen people actually fully 100% agree on is:
(RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink; SSC: Safe Sane and Consensual)- Open and honest communication is crucial
- Everything has to be consensual
And I want to say people tend to agree that if you’re going to take risks, you’d best educate yourself to take educated and calculated risks, otherwise, don’t take risks.
I would say though there are a lot of right ways to do things, and a lot of wrong ways to do things. And the most important thing is to educate yourself on the right and wrong ways so you can be as safe about everything as possible and only take informed risks
But I think because there are so many conflicting viewpoints on things, it’s important to learn from as many people with real experience as you can. I have definitely come across people that have based their strong opinions solely on pornography and hope.
A general picture does seem to come out the more people you talk to, but it also shows you how diverse we all are. How some of us like pain, some of us hate it. Some of us a risk-averse, and some of us do dangerous things. How some of us like rope, hate rope, love bondage, hate bondage, want to control someone, want to be controlled, want nothing to do with either…
I genuinely love how diverse the community is, and how welcoming the community tends to be. ❤️
There are bad pockets, but you find that anywhere in any group of people. On the whole though… you’re all lovely people 💖 -
BDSM is a huge umbrella term that covers a lot of things. We all just kind of group together because we’re all loosely related in the core values even if we all like vastly different things
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asexual individuals exist, and there are a lot of them
I’m pretty sure I’m gray ace and I don’t really care that much for penetrative sex
It’s something I give to my owner as part of our dynamic but I could take it or leave it -
I definitely don’t concentrate well when I’m in subspace and that’s a lot of the fun. He just kind of puts me where he wants me. If he wants to use my mouth he does so. Other parts, well he does so. I just take what he wants to give me, or do what he tells me. I don’t have to concentrate. I don’t have to think. I just have to experience
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I specifically have a suffering kink. I don’t care much for the pain for pain’s sake (although over the years I’ve managed to at least get a small connection going there), but what does it for me is taking the pain my owner wants to give me for his own amusement. That power play turns me on. Why? dunno. Just does.
And the inverse. There have been sessions where I’ve specifically told my owner he needs to get me more turned on for the amount of pain he wants to dish out. So he plays with me a bit to get me wet and we go back to the pain play. The more aroused I am, the more pain I can take for him. -
I think the most important thing you can learn from the BDSM culture is clear and open communication.
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I’ve known I was submissive for a very long time and have had a lot of time to explore the space, experiment, and learn what I like. I’ve talked to a ton of people, learned from hundreds of websites and idk.. tens of books. I didn’t do that many books.
But I identify very strongly as a submissive and did everything over the years to learn everything I could -
I do get nervous about what we’re going to do sometimes, but it’s a safe nervous, like watching a scary movie or going on a roller coaster – I’m not afraid, I’m just enjoying the chemicals my body is generating in this situation
Plus I always asked for it, like, literally. We negotiate that sort of thing -
I told my husband some of the things that we and he’s like… “I would never want anyone to have that kind of power over me. And I would never want that kind of power over someone.”
Like, yeah, you’re vanilla, dude. That’s how that works. This is fulfilling for me
(not that you have to be vanilla to not like power exchanges, he just happens to be vanilla)
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Trying to kind of downplay how sick I feel while still being honest about it. Suspecting I’m still going to be taken to urgent care either today or tomorrow if I don’t start improving fast 🙄 😦
I fucking hate doctors
Which of course is why I gave Tim power to decide that for me.
But dammit. I’m not allowed to be sick like this 😠It would be worse if I didn’t work from home
I’m glad I never have to make the choice to go into an office and risk getting other people sick because I don’t have the PTOI gave up my choice
which of course has a small part of me very happy
while the rest is like “I don’t want this 😑”
but also like
the power exchange is awesome
I hate being sick, and I hate the idea that he might make the decision to take me to urgent care
but I love that he gets to make that decision and I don’t have to worry one way or the otherMy favorite phrase when it comes to my own health is “that’s Tim’s problem.”
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Well if you’re not into pain you’re not into pain.
If you want that soreness the next day, it’ll only ever be a shadow of what happened the night before. 🤷♀️ -
The hardest caning session I ever had, I had trouble moving the next day, and I still didn’t have any significant marks. Iirc there was one tiny one that you could only see if you really looked.
Still chasing those elusive marks 😂 -
I’ve found my breasts are easy to mark up without going over my pain threshold while it’s super hard to leave a mark on my ass without going over my pain threshold. Maybe other areas might mark better? (just choose wisely and play safe)
And if bruises just aren’t in the cards, there’s always body writing as a way to leave a mark without pain
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If you’re particularly crafty you can buy raw hemp rope and condition and dye it yourself. That’s what I did. I do not entirely recommend, but my rope is awesome and is going strong 15 years later 😂
But if you’re not interested in boiling it for like a day or two (smells like manure, and I did it in my kitchen 😓), dying it, washing it, drying it, oiling it, and “breaking” it against something… and I’m pretty sure I’m forgetting steps because I only did it once 15 years ago… then the pricy-ness of the alternatives is totally, totally worth it.
But if anyone is, I’m sure I can find the online store I bought it from (I imported it from a Canadian online store) and probably the tutorial I used.I’m very much a DIY person. Why just buy it when I can spend way more effort and potentially more money on doing it myself??
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Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not a sub. Doesn’t matter what you do or how you feel about the things you do, what your dynamic structure is, what kinks you do or do not enjoy or how you enjoy them… but if you identify as a sub, you’re the only person whose opinion matters on that. Gatekeepers can fuck right off. They aren’t worth your time and don’t let them make you question whether you’re really a submissive, or whatever.
Unless you are doing a genuine introspective because you want to. But do that for you, not because someone was trying to make you feel invalid. You are valid as a sub.
I haven’t seen the “you’re not a real sub if…” BS in a long time, but I think that’s more a factor of being extremely choosy of the kink spaces I spend time in. If you identify with a label, that’s what matters. You can use that label to help communicate with others, or as a research guide to try to learn more about yourself, but if aspects of that label don’t apply to you you can leave them behind, or pick a new label. Or pick no label at all.
For example – I identify as a submissive. I’ve also been known to top over the years, and have a lot of experience on both sides of a flogger. I don’t let this detract from the fact that I am submissive. I’m just a submissive that will switch on occasion or for specific reasons. The gatekeepers (and some people who just meant well but didn’t know better) have tried to tell me I’m a switch. Except I’m not – I’m a submissive. And their opinions mean nothing at all.